TF2-057

Object #: 057

Object Class: Mercenary

Special Containment Procedures:

TF2-057 is to be kept in the High Value Snacks vault in Site-12, warm temp, and to be mixed around by robotic arms composed of dinosaur skulls. TF2-057-1, when summoned, is to be restrained by all near guards and chained, being fed samples of TF2-057. If TF2-057-1 refuses for more than one minute, he is to be force fed TF2-057 through tubes taped to his mouth along with three cans worth of surströmming. A piece of toilet paper is to be stuck up his butthole due to security reasons.

Description

TF2-057 is a ceramic bowl filled to the brim with conchiglie noodles in a thick cheese sauce consisting of every type of cheese in the universe (as well as anomalies that take the form of cheese). The pasta itself is safe to eat, although it can be addicting. However, the cheese sauce can cause pancreas cancer. The bowl of TF2-057 seems to be the most anomalous part of the object, as it can regenerate the pasta when eaten.

When twenty pounds of TF2-057 is consumed, TF2-057-1 is summoned. The moment he spawns, he will twerk acid that will melt the human pancreas when exposed to skin. TF2-057-1 claims that if he is not fed six pounds of TF2-057, Earth will explode and the universe will collapse. As there is no way to prove these claims, TF2-057-1's claims will have to be taken seriously.

TF2-057 appears to be a skinny male with bones for arms, with a fleshly red face with horns. He wields a golden shotgun that can melt 200 pancreases with one swift swoop.

It was discovered by Dr. Donald Shit when he was dumpster diving behind a KFC.